I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
