I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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