I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
