Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
