Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
