I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize