I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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