I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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