woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
