The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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