He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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