paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
