Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
