He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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