if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
