I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
