You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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