so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
