I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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