you traded sex for a burrito?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
