It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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