What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you inspire me to be a worse person
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
