She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
