i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
