i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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