I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
