Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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