Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize