I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
