i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
