you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
