I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
