Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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