oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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