I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
