Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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