Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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