My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
