I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
