Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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