Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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