It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
