I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
