I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
