my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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