I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
