Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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