went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
