I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize