I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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