I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
