if i can run in heels then i can drive
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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