Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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