If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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