I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
