I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
