You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
