Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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